This is to inform you, that starting today, I am no longer a fan of yours. You suck. Period. I was going to add 'balls to you' but you've already taken away too much of my precious time and money for me to even think of parting with anything else now.
It wasn't always like this you know. When I was a kid, I really did look up to you. You had me believe that the world was a just place where violence was the solution to all of life's problems. A world where I could kick five bad guys' butts without breaking a fart. A world that wonderful. So, can you imagine the pain I felt when that notion was shattered? To give you some idea, it resembled a hard kick in the gonads delivered by an elder brother who obviously learned better fake karate from you than I did.
The biggest disappointment to have ever come my way because of you was my college life, rather, the lack of it. Taking a cue from you, I wore tight, blue jeans, topped them up with leather jackets (all this in the huge steam bath that is Mumbai) and put on big white sneakers, all in a bid to look 'cool'. I even befriended the customary nerd, the class repeater and the fat guy. My attendance in the canteen far exceeded that in class because those were the rules. I mean, if all your young, 40 year old boys could do it with one hand tied behind their backs, how difficult could it be? I'll tell you how difficult. It's like trying to pass a physics exam one day after you come to know that it's one of the subjects you've signed up for.
But now I have grown up. I have learned from the many disappointments you have thrown my way, like the two mentioned above. I have not sworn vendetta against anybody. There are no bad guys trying to mess with me, there are no girls I need to sing songs to. I'm just a regular guy who works 5 days a week and sleeps off the remaining 2. But there is a difference. I think. A lot. You should try it too. It's good fun.
Anyways, this new found sedentary lifestyle of mine has left me with a lot of time on my hands. So let me tell you exactly where you're stepping in the dung.
1. Leave your brains at home: The brain is an inseparable body organ. You cannot 'leave' it anywhere. So I'll personally slap the next person who tells me to 'leave my brain at home' and enjoy an xyz movie.
2. I give you, 10e6 out of 5 stars: Please stop paying critics to write rave reviews about shite movies. Not all people are not stupid.
3. The next big blockbuster: A battery of big stars, exotic locales and semi-nude babes do not make for a watchable movie. For that you need to have two things which you almost, always forget. (Hint: Both start with an 's'. One ends in a 'y' and the other in a 't').
4. I can hasz email: Stop using email forwards to force us to laugh. They were only funny the first time we read them...ten years ago. The next time you try that, I'll come and tickle you in the gut with my Wolverine claws. We'll see who laughs then.
5. Copying music/plots/scenes: Dude, you just don't understand the power of Youtube, do you?
6. Baah-mulaiza, aahhoon-aahhoon et al.: For god's sake, please make songs with actual lyrics in them. I'm tired of listening to 'songs' with just one word being repeated for their entire duration, and lyrics so pedestrian, a primary school kid could write better.
7. Celebrities pitching movies on music reality shows: Please! As if all these damn music reality shows on every damn channel weren't irritating enough, we now have to endure celebs coming in and selling their movie as if it were the shiniest piece of creative brilliance mankind has ever come up with. We know it's gonna suck anyways. You know what really breaks my heart? The participants singing songs starring/composed by/sung by the celeb which sound like those mentioned in (6) above.
Now I do realize that there is a section of the movie going audience who gives a rat's ass to all of the above. They are your bread and butter, and you do need to please them. But please, can the thinking man have something for keeps too? Can't you make at least one movie in a year that I can take home with me? Something that keeps playing in my head long after I've left the cinema and make me go 'aha' when I figure out some clever plot intricacy? I know it's difficult for you, but can you at least try? If that's not possible, can you at least support the few people who do make an effort to be different. Not just hat ke, but really, genuinely, different.
But since you won't be able to do that, Im'ma switch my allegiances to American TV shows. They have enough variety and brains to keep me engaged for a long long time. I'm not leaving you completely though...I'll watch pirated copies of your stuff too (serves you right for the overcharged tickets at cinemas). The Pakistani economy isn't going to support itself you see.
Yours disgruntedly,
Anirudh.
