Travels, Travails

April 17 1979

Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Department of Physics

Dr. Ariel Rosenborg was lost to the world as he worked on his new contraption. There were books, papers, journals, calculators and other paraphernalia strewn about on his table. All of a sudden, his eyes lit up. A semblance of a smile began to form upon his lips. The calculations were correct. The readout on his velocity panel showed 99.99%.

Dr. Rosenborg, Ari to his friends, was a much loved and revered person in one of the best departments of physics in the world. A true authority in the field of particle physics. At 45, he already was leagues ahead of his peers. To add to his shining academic credentials, he was genial, easy going and a great person to be around. He had just completed his most brilliant work to date. But before he could tell anybody, there was one thing left to do...the reason why he had spent so much time and effort working on this project. The world does not need to know about time travel just yet.

Few people knew that he had survived the holocaust as a child. Not even his wife. He preferred it that way. He was one of the lucky few who had managed to reach the United States after fleeing their homes, but not before witnessing much brutality being meted out to his relatives, friends and neighbours. Treatment that ranged from cruel to downright barbaric, just to satisfy the whims of one man. Adolf Hitler had no right to die the way he eventually did, without facing consequences of his actions. Dr. Rosenborg had wanted to personally deliver justice on Hitler for a very long time. Beneath his calm exteriors, this was the fire that raged.

The plan was simple. He would go back in time and eliminate Hitler. Clean and simple. The day: April 20, 1939. Hitler's fiftieth birthday. He vaguely remembered the day as he had lived through it once as a five year old. He remembered there was a military parade and that Hitler met a lot of people that day giving him the perfect opportunity to finish his job and make a clean getaway. He chose his weapon, an Uzi sub-machine gun, and wired himself to his time machine. He adjusted the time jump and the coordinates of his destination. He even pre-programmed his return a day after the assassination. He pushed a few buttons and was on his way. The last thing he remembered before he blacked out was his laboratory spinning real fast.

April 20, 1939

Berlin

Nazi Germany

As soon as he regained consciousness, he knew where he was. The streets of Berlin were familiar to him. There were a lot of people around. They were all preparing for something. There were huge signs and posters everywhere. He was wandering around when he was spotted by a Nazi officer who seemed to be in charge of the preparations there. Their eyes met. He shuddered and tried to make a dash for it, but there were other officers close by. He would never make it. He had little choice. The officer came up to him. Ari stayed mum. Speaking was tantamount to getting killed. He looked at Ari and then at his list. He checked it twice or thrice, cursed the junior officer who had prepared it, placed a bunch of flowers in his hand and led him to an area where people were greeting a short, mustached man. Ari was uneasy. As he came towards Ari, he could feel his stomach cramp up. When he saw Ari, the mustached man bent down, kissed his cheek, took the bunch of flowers from his hands and moved on. The next day, newspapers carried the following photograph, amongst others. Of course, no one knew who the child in the plain shirt and dark knickers was.

April 18, 1979

Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Department of Physics

Hours after returning from his time trip, Dr. Rosenborg cut a distraught figure. He was slowly realising the fact that transporting humans through time is not as easy as transporting protons and electrons. He needed to think of a way to time travel, whilst maintaining the current state of the body and the mind. He stepped out to call his wife and tell her that he'd be spending some more time at the lab.

April 21, 1939

Berlin

Nazi Germany

The junior Nazi officer who had prepared the list of children offering floral greetings to the Führer wondered why his senior was unhappy with him. He could not have messed up the number, after all, he had personally escorted each one of them to the holding area.

A few years later, Major Uziel Gal of Israel would design the first Uzi sub-machine gun.
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References:
1. Wikipedia, of course, for the historical facts
2. German Propaganda Archive for the photograph

P.S: The preceding was a re-telling of a story my father told me one night over dinner, many years ago. I happened to chance upon the picture you saw above and that's what sort of rekindled the idea in my mind. Neither I, nor my father make any claims regarding the originality of this story.

Also, this is a light hearted attempt at highlighting one of the paradoxes of time travel, set against the backdrop of one of the worst periods in human history. I sincerely apologize if anybody felt offended by it and assure you it was not intentional.

The last time

Think about it. Think about it real hard. When was the last time you-

spent three and a half tense hours?

had a lump in your throat from trying to not cry?

actually cried?

danced with random people?

saw the entire nation celebrating as one?

If you answered all of the above with a 'today' then congratulations, you have witnessed something which a lot of people have waited a long time for, something which every toddler learning to hold a bat dreams of, an encore which was 28 years in the making. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you have witnessed history being made today. If (heavens forbid) you were to die tomorrow, you'd do so in peace.

There are victories and then there are victories. Sometimes people win because they are destined to. But most of the times, they win because they have toiled for it. This victory belonged to the latter category. You saw it in the way the players reacted after the match. You felt it in Dhoni's eyes as he watched the last six sail over the boundary ropes. You heard it in every battle cry Yuvraj Singh let out. This was no ordinary victory.

But perhaps the most alluring image of this world cup was that of the young brigade, carrying their God on a victory lap of the stadium...the same way he has carried the expectations of the entire country for almost two decades.What is also most satisfying to learn is that he has now filled the only lacuna in his trophy cabinet. But we have to remember one thing.

Shortly after the euphoria of the victory has died down, the wave of expectations shall begin to amass anew. There will be new challenges, new scales to peak and new demons to exorcise . We may not win every time, but whatever tomorrow brings, today is ours. We have proved to the world that we too, can be the best at something. I sincerely hope that this belief infiltrates the mentality of every man, woman and child in this country and today is also the last day we block ourselves from realizing our true potentials!

Walking the talk - Episode 2

Les gens, today we talk about a very important topic. Amongst people in my generation, it has been quietly gaining attention for the past few years, and today has become a top priority. In fact, I think its currently beating beer and shopping too. Some have already experienced it, and it seems that most of the others want to do it sooner rather than later. No, I'm not talking about sex. Today's topic is much more complicated than that. Yessir! We're talking about marriage here.

I was walking home after work one evening. As usual, I was deep in conversation with myself and the discussion quickly turned to the topic of marriages, and later (to my dismay) my marriage.

So winter's upon us. Soon, the marriage season will commence.

There is nothing new about that...is there?

Well yeah, so many of my friends are doing it/planning to do it this year! I mean I look at all these marriage invitations in their pastel colurs and glitter covered envelopes (seriously, stop doing that) and think "It wasn't long ago that this guy was winning farting contests", or "No more free booze", or "Time to strike another name off the drunk dialing list".

Yeah, they've grown up now. They've become more responsible. Besides, everybody does stupid things when they're young. Want to start recalling yours? 

I think I'll pass on that one. But what surprises me really is the pace at which this change is happening.We're only 25 for god's sake! We've just taken over the reins of our lives. Shouldn't we enjoy this freedom for some time before settling down?

Perhaps. But why do you think there should be a waiting period? I mean, you've already started working, and unless something radical happens, a few years down the line will see you doing the same things you're doing now. You see the right person, you like each other, you get married. Simple?

The hell it isn't, and stop sounding like my mother. Let me elucidate. Like we agreed, its only been a short while since we started fending for ourselves. Choosing the right partner is one of the most important decisions of our lives. To make any good decision, one needs experience and we don't have that because we've just started fending for ourselves. See the circle there? It's scary!!

Yeah I do. There is a 50% chance that you'll screw up this important decision. But whatever happens, I'm sure that eventually everything will be alright. It always does.

Chance? Probability? I hate that shit!

Hey...from the time the right gametes fused to create you, to this day, every event had multiple possiblities. Even if one of those had had a different outcome, who knows...where you would have been. Yet we're having this conversation here today. You're healthy, have a good family and good friends, are well (,) educated, earning, drive your own car etc. It's all been good.

But that doesn't prove anything. I'd be driving a bigger car, and have eight pack abs for all I know. How do I know that the best outcomes have happened to me?

I guess what you're saying is right...and there have been times when better things could have happened. But you'll have to agree when I say that on an average, probability has been kind to you and there is no reason for that trend to change all of a sudden.

So I should not be scared because I have probability and statistics on my side? Is that what you're saying?

Yes

Fuck.

Language woes

"But you speak good Marathi..." is something I hear a lot. You see, because of my rather North Indian sounding name people somehow don't expect me to speak the language of the state where I was born, raised, studied and am now working. It is only when I explain the born and raised part does their confusion seem to ease away a bit. 

However, it not being my mother tongue, I lack the fluency and the vocabulary that a native Marathi speaker possesses. I get mixed up in the tenses and genders. (But hey, that is something a Marathi speaker does to Hindi as well)  Somehow, despite my best efforts, this deficiency does get exposed during every Marathi conversation that I have, forcing the speaker to switch to Hindi or English. Honestly, that hurts just a little bit. But I have no problems in accepting that my Marathi is constrained, and that I am working on it.

So what about my mother tongue? Once again, I am almost there but not quite. I can neither read nor write Punjabi. I can understand it very well. I can even speak it, but here's where things get bizarre. I don't speak Punjabi at home. Well, for the most part anyways. When I was a little kid, my parents in a stroke of genius decided that they would teach me Hindi so that I'd pick up the language and thus have no problems in  "talking to people outside the family" (their explanation). Suffice to say that while my parents succeeded in their plans, with so much Punjabi being spoken around the house I picked it up too. Unfortunately, since I don't get to speak it much, any half decent Punjabi speaker identifies the rustiness in my speaking and quickly switches to Hindi or English. A complete fail here as well.

Then I must be good at Hindi, no? I used to live under the same impression. But the two years (and beautiful ones at that!) I spent in the Hindi heartland of the country taught me that what I thought was Hindi, was in fact Bambaiya, which is Hindi of unsure genders and tenses, along with a spattering of Marathi wherever applicable. I can still see the bewildered looks on people's faces whenever I called an amrood a peru, got confused between a kakdi and a kheera or between halwa and sheera and so forth, whenever I announced main jaata hai or told an elder aap chalo/aao/khao etc. No luck here either.

So this brings us to English, the language of the queen, the medium of instruction (officially at least) at all my places of learning. One would expect me to be good at it. But my cup of woe still overfloweth. My school was dominated by Hindi, nay, Bambaiya, college was a Marathi bastion and Kanpur, as we know, is a chaste Hindi speaking area. So whatever English I know, I have learned from books, newspapers, movies and television. While this means that I possess a decent enough vocabulary, the 'text to speech' interface is still pretty primitive and I can still be found fishing for words in a conversation with someone who speaks the language more fluently than I do. Being able to think in English and speak it are two different things altogether you see.

So there we have it. Gaping flaws in all the four languages I claim as my own. I do not know if and when the day will ever come when I will be able to confidently communicate in either of them. If it doesn't, maybe I'll  invent a language of my own.

How to survive office meetings

If you're a young professional (comme moi) and have recently joined the ranks of the employed, chances are that you've been involved in one or more 'meetings' at your workplace. Now meetings come in all shapes and sizes but I am talking about the ones where you don't know jack about whatever it is that's going on, but are expected to participate nonetheless since your post graduate course had a subject that contained a fleeting reference to the topic which is to be discussed at the meeting, the same one you never paid any serious attention to out of sheer laziness. Sound familiar?

If so, fear not...you're not alone. Here are some pointers which will not just help you survive this atrocity, but may even allow you to leave the conference room with your head held high. But before we do that, let's quickly brush up on our basics.

The People

1. The Meeter: Usually your superior/boss, s/he is the one responsible for bringing you to the meeting. S/he is not responsible for getting you out though.

2. The Meetee: It could be a client who's paying you, or someone you are paying to get some work done,  either ways, the basic principle remains the same i.e the meeters are a bunch of idiots.

3. You

The Location

Like football matches, meetings can be held at home or away. In this case, home means your place of work and away usually means the meetees' place of work. Meetings at neutral venues too are possible, but rarely heard of (meaning, the author has not experienced them so far). Also like football matches, home advantage is always preferred.

Things to carry

A pen/pencil, something to write (a notebook or a few pieces of paper), your business card and your wits.

All right then, now that we know the basics, lets move on to the advanced levels. Since the whole point of this exercise is to project your inherent knowledge/intelligence over and above its true value, pay careful attention to the following points.

1. Walk the talk: Walk into the meeting like you own the place. If the meeting is in your own office, quickly grab the farthest available seating place from the meetees. If you're on an away mission, do the same. Just remember to ask permission before plonking your butt down.

Why this works: Walking in with confidence shows that you are, well, confident. This is especially required in cases where you're not confident. Asking permission from the hosts signifies that you're cautious and know your limitations. Also note the subtle exploitation of home advantage.

2. Card Swap: Once all the participants are in and have settled down (usually marked by a 1 degree rise in room temperature) start exchanging business cards. After the cards have been exchanged, spend a couple of minutes familiarising yourself with the names, designations and qualifications of the meetees. 

Why this works: Initiating information exchange is always good. It show the meetees that you're not intimidated by them, and it shows your bosses that you can hold your own in an alien situation. This will also give you an idea of the hierarchy amongst the meetees.

3. Flow with it: During any meeting, digressing from the topic is as common as the common cold. It is bound to happen. When it does, do not try to bring the discussion back to the original topic. Let it sway as far off course as possible. Take a few swings yourself if you're comfortable with the pseudo-topic. Try and bring up one if you're not. If you can't do anything, pretend to agree with the dominant party.

Why this works: After the meeting, no one can complain that you didn't speak much. This gives you a chance to show that you're well versed in topics other than work and also hides the fact that you didn't know much about the original topic.

4. Silence is golden: Body language plays an important part in all meetings. While we've already discussed the significance of a confident entry at the onset, the following table gives you a guide on how best to use non-verbal communication.

If	You
Your boss cracks a joke	Laugh heartily
The meetee cracks a joke	Copy your boss' reaction
Your boss is answering a question	Stare blankly into space and occassionally scribble something (this will make it seem like you're thinking)
You have to answer a question	Tell them whatever you know (Do not fudge. If you don't know anything, say so)
The meetees are being criticized	Pretend to agree with your boss
Your boss is being criticized	Let him have it, lest the critique starts flowing your way
You're being criticized	Accept it. Take copious notes and if at all you have something to say, wait for the daggers to stop flying

5.Improvise: Despite all the worldly wisdom the author has gained over the course of several meetings, it is possible that the situation you find yourself in is not covered in the above treatise. In such cases, the only thing that works is improvisation. Just remember two things:
A. Do not make the people who're paying you look bad.
B. Do not use more than half of your lying prowess. There is a high chance that these lies will come back and bite you in the posterior, so smaller the better.

So that's it! Five simple points (and a few sub-points) to make the first steps in your professional life a little bit easier. I'm sure you realize that compiling this guide has been a pain staking process, and it needs to be updated constantly. So, send only your positive feedback to me as I love hearing good things from you :)

Disclaimer: Use at your own risk. The author shall not be held responsible for any embarrassments that might arise due to the use of this guide.

Open Letter to Linkin Park

Dear Linkin Park,

I can't believe I haven't done this before. After being a fan of your work for years, this is the first time that I am writing to you. Honestly though, I probably wouldn't be writing to you today either, had it not been for your latest exploit, your fourth studio album.

I must have been in school, when I first heard In the end...that iconoclast of a song which completely blew me away. Never could I have imagined that the cocktail of rap and rock would be so potent as to give me a high lasting many many years. The music and the style was fresh, no doubt and the presentation too was way ahead of its time. Nu metal was what they called it. I was hooked. But if I had to choose one thing that really bound me to you, I'd have to pick the lyrics.

You seemed to capture my emotions better than me. Growing up is never an easy time. In fact, it's overwhelming. Your songs gave words to feelings I knew had, but could never express. My boyhood angst, my teenage frustrations, my tribulations as a young adult...all seemed to find company in your songs. Not one or two, but each and every song of your first two albums. Numb, Breaking the habit, By myself...the list just goes on.

With your third album, you chose to highlight the folly of our ways and remind us of the impending doom they are almost certain to produce. Honestly, it had none of the elements which attracted me to your music in the first place. You were talking about issues that were affecting people all over the world, while your earlier songs focused more on the individual. A daring change, yes, but I was afraid I was losing my connection with you. It was as if in the three years you took to come up with this album, you had grown up and matured, while I was still stuck in that turbulent phase from where we had started together. However, nothing could have prepared me for what was to come next.

A thousand suns takes the doomsday theme a step, no, make that a thousand steps further. If Minutes to Midnight took off on a tangent from your earlier works, this one reaches a different plane altogether. The overall feel of this album is dark and profound...even scary at some places. Few others would have attempted to capture the ethos of a post apocalyptic earth, let alone do it beautifully. And when you end the album with words like "Love, keeps us kind", it puts in perspective the message one needs to take away from the album. Brilliant.

You do know that after Meteora, you could have continued making nu metal albums. The fans and the critics wouldn't have minded. You could have made a ton of money and sailed into the sunset a few years later. But you chose to keep evolving your music and the messages it conveys. You dared, and thus, are winners. So here's to change then, may you continue blurring genres and may your work always give me enough food for thought. Cheers!

Anirudh.

Robot - Learnings from the movie

How does one build an andro-humanoid robot (AHR)? This question had been bothering me for quite some time now. So, to get in-depth knowledge of this tedious process, I decided to watch a documentary on the same subject, very aptly titled "Robot". I was told that the robot in this documentary was modelled on Superstar Rajnikanth which added to my eagerness to watch it. As expected, the experience was vastly rewarding and I am compelled, nay, honoured to share my learnings with you.

1. When working on the building of an AHR, do not shave. You will save a lot of time and by the end, you will look like a tapasvi from the good old days. Thus establishing the connection between modern day research and centuries old tapasya in one fell swoop.

2. Order the water/fire/insect resistant parts for your robot from your local hardware store only. Not only do you get to reduce the carbon footprint of the project, but unboxing the stuff will actually give your assistants some real work to do.

3. When using your AHR to drive your car, always ask it to follow your instructions. It doesn't matter whether you've programmed a 'driving module' into its memory or not.

4. At any demonstration, people will ask your robot random-ass questions like Fibonacci numbers, prime numbers, existence of God etc. It is best if you can prepare it for them.

5. Most importantly, remember you are the BOSS (pun intended) so whenever the workload gets too hectic, take a break and sing a song with your ladylove. It is essential that this activity be carried out in an exotic foreign location.

6. These robots are great for cheating at exams, and so can be used to further the cause of education in the country.

7. Street gangs in Chennai do have foreign recruits these days. Prepare your AHR accordingly in case he has to face them in a hand to hand combat situation. It is also important to install heavy duty castors in its feet for any emergency train chases.

8. It's probably best if you don't get influenced by the criticism from your old thesis advisor. It's likely that he's pissed at you for not wishing him on teachers day.

9. Even if you do listen to him, please do not program emotions or 'reverse map' hormones into your AHR. This is for your own safety. More so, if you happen to have a super hot girlfriend.

10. Do not skimp on a good 'mosquito mode' for your AHR. This will allow it to communicate with those miniature vampires when the need arises.

11. When using your AHR for destructive purposes like suicide bombings etc., it is best to dress it up in loud clothes and garish hairstyles. Subtlety only applies to human terrorists.

12. Sing another song. You might want to use a lot of CGI this time.

13. If, for some reason, you have to destroy your AHR, chop it up into little pieces and dispose the pieces in your regular trashcan. You might also realize the importance of point # 2 at this juncture.

13. In case of a malfunctioning AHR, check its batteries. In case your AHR starts behaving like a dark overlord hell bent on destroying everything, he may have been hacked. You might want to search him for malicious, red coloured chips.

14. Before we forget, sing another song. Probably in Machu-Pichu.

15. In the end, you're going to realize that the AHR you created is too smart for the world's good, and you are going to want to dismantle it for good. At this point, you should probably ask yourself why you created it in the first place, and whether or not formatting its hard drive would have been a better option.

16. When you do get the answer, please let me know.

On a more serious note, the movie Robot does touch upon some very pertinent issues related to human-machine relationships of the future, especially in the first half. Absolutely comparable in its execution to any damn Hollywood movie of a similar nature. Where it chooses to display its Kollywood legacy, is in the second half ,thereby making it a tad too long and melodramatic for my liking. Nonetheless, it redeems some of its lost ground with a fantastic climax. It'd also have been great had the makers set the movie in a more futuristic Chennai city instead of the present  day, you know, just to add that extra bit of fiction to all the science.

Oh and if you do watch this movie after reading till this point, pliss to tell me whether or not they misspelled 'neural' in one of the opening scenes where Rajnikanth is shown programming his robot...