Walking the talk - Episode 2

Les gens, today we talk about a very important topic. Amongst people in my generation, it has been quietly gaining attention for the past few years, and today has become a top priority. In fact, I think its currently beating beer and shopping too. Some have already experienced it, and it seems that most of the others want to do it sooner rather than later. No, I'm not talking about sex. Today's topic is much more complicated than that. Yessir! We're talking about marriage here.

I was walking home after work one evening. As usual, I was deep in conversation with myself and the discussion quickly turned to the topic of marriages, and later (to my dismay) my marriage.

So winter's upon us. Soon, the marriage season will commence.

There is nothing new about that...is there?

Well yeah, so many of my friends are doing it/planning to do it this year! I mean I look at all these marriage invitations in their pastel colurs and glitter covered envelopes (seriously, stop doing that) and think "It wasn't long ago that this guy was winning farting contests", or "No more free booze", or "Time to strike another name off the drunk dialing list".

Yeah, they've grown up now. They've become more responsible. Besides, everybody does stupid things when they're young. Want to start recalling yours? 

I think I'll pass on that one. But what surprises me really is the pace at which this change is happening.We're only 25 for god's sake! We've just taken over the reins of our lives. Shouldn't we enjoy this freedom for some time before settling down?

Perhaps. But why do you think there should be a waiting period? I mean, you've already started working, and unless something radical happens, a few years down the line will see you doing the same things you're doing now. You see the right person, you like each other, you get married. Simple?

The hell it isn't, and stop sounding like my mother. Let me elucidate. Like we agreed, its only been a short while since we started fending for ourselves. Choosing the right partner is one of the most important decisions of our lives. To make any good decision, one needs experience and we don't have that because we've just started fending for ourselves. See the circle there? It's scary!!

Yeah I do. There is a 50% chance that you'll screw up this important decision. But whatever happens, I'm sure that eventually everything will be alright. It always does.

Chance? Probability? I hate that shit!

Hey...from the time the right gametes fused to create you, to this day, every event had multiple possiblities. Even if one of those had had a different outcome, who knows...where you would have been. Yet we're having this conversation here today. You're healthy, have a good family and good friends, are well (,) educated, earning, drive your own car etc. It's all been good.

But that doesn't prove anything. I'd be driving a bigger car, and have eight pack abs for all I know. How do I know that the best outcomes have happened to me?

I guess what you're saying is right...and there have been times when better things could have happened. But you'll have to agree when I say that on an average, probability has been kind to you and there is no reason for that trend to change all of a sudden.

So I should not be scared because I have probability and statistics on my side? Is that what you're saying?

Yes

Fuck.

Language woes

"But you speak good Marathi..." is something I hear a lot. You see, because of my rather North Indian sounding name people somehow don't expect me to speak the language of the state where I was born, raised, studied and am now working. It is only when I explain the born and raised part does their confusion seem to ease away a bit. 

However, it not being my mother tongue, I lack the fluency and the vocabulary that a native Marathi speaker possesses. I get mixed up in the tenses and genders. (But hey, that is something a Marathi speaker does to Hindi as well)  Somehow, despite my best efforts, this deficiency does get exposed during every Marathi conversation that I have, forcing the speaker to switch to Hindi or English. Honestly, that hurts just a little bit. But I have no problems in accepting that my Marathi is constrained, and that I am working on it.

So what about my mother tongue? Once again, I am almost there but not quite. I can neither read nor write Punjabi. I can understand it very well. I can even speak it, but here's where things get bizarre. I don't speak Punjabi at home. Well, for the most part anyways. When I was a little kid, my parents in a stroke of genius decided that they would teach me Hindi so that I'd pick up the language and thus have no problems in  "talking to people outside the family" (their explanation). Suffice to say that while my parents succeeded in their plans, with so much Punjabi being spoken around the house I picked it up too. Unfortunately, since I don't get to speak it much, any half decent Punjabi speaker identifies the rustiness in my speaking and quickly switches to Hindi or English. A complete fail here as well.

Then I must be good at Hindi, no? I used to live under the same impression. But the two years (and beautiful ones at that!) I spent in the Hindi heartland of the country taught me that what I thought was Hindi, was in fact Bambaiya, which is Hindi of unsure genders and tenses, along with a spattering of Marathi wherever applicable. I can still see the bewildered looks on people's faces whenever I called an amrood a peru, got confused between a kakdi and a kheera or between halwa and sheera and so forth, whenever I announced main jaata hai or told an elder aap chalo/aao/khao etc. No luck here either.

So this brings us to English, the language of the queen, the medium of instruction (officially at least) at all my places of learning. One would expect me to be good at it. But my cup of woe still overfloweth. My school was dominated by Hindi, nay, Bambaiya, college was a Marathi bastion and Kanpur, as we know, is a chaste Hindi speaking area. So whatever English I know, I have learned from books, newspapers, movies and television. While this means that I possess a decent enough vocabulary, the 'text to speech' interface is still pretty primitive and I can still be found fishing for words in a conversation with someone who speaks the language more fluently than I do. Being able to think in English and speak it are two different things altogether you see.

So there we have it. Gaping flaws in all the four languages I claim as my own. I do not know if and when the day will ever come when I will be able to confidently communicate in either of them. If it doesn't, maybe I'll  invent a language of my own.

How to survive office meetings

If you're a young professional (comme moi) and have recently joined the ranks of the employed, chances are that you've been involved in one or more 'meetings' at your workplace. Now meetings come in all shapes and sizes but I am talking about the ones where you don't know jack about whatever it is that's going on, but are expected to participate nonetheless since your post graduate course had a subject that contained a fleeting reference to the topic which is to be discussed at the meeting, the same one you never paid any serious attention to out of sheer laziness. Sound familiar?

If so, fear not...you're not alone. Here are some pointers which will not just help you survive this atrocity, but may even allow you to leave the conference room with your head held high. But before we do that, let's quickly brush up on our basics.

The People

1. The Meeter: Usually your superior/boss, s/he is the one responsible for bringing you to the meeting. S/he is not responsible for getting you out though.

2. The Meetee: It could be a client who's paying you, or someone you are paying to get some work done,  either ways, the basic principle remains the same i.e the meeters are a bunch of idiots.

3. You

The Location

Like football matches, meetings can be held at home or away. In this case, home means your place of work and away usually means the meetees' place of work. Meetings at neutral venues too are possible, but rarely heard of (meaning, the author has not experienced them so far). Also like football matches, home advantage is always preferred.

Things to carry

A pen/pencil, something to write (a notebook or a few pieces of paper), your business card and your wits.

All right then, now that we know the basics, lets move on to the advanced levels. Since the whole point of this exercise is to project your inherent knowledge/intelligence over and above its true value, pay careful attention to the following points.

1. Walk the talk: Walk into the meeting like you own the place. If the meeting is in your own office, quickly grab the farthest available seating place from the meetees. If you're on an away mission, do the same. Just remember to ask permission before plonking your butt down.

Why this works: Walking in with confidence shows that you are, well, confident. This is especially required in cases where you're not confident. Asking permission from the hosts signifies that you're cautious and know your limitations. Also note the subtle exploitation of home advantage.

2. Card Swap: Once all the participants are in and have settled down (usually marked by a 1 degree rise in room temperature) start exchanging business cards. After the cards have been exchanged, spend a couple of minutes familiarising yourself with the names, designations and qualifications of the meetees. 

Why this works: Initiating information exchange is always good. It show the meetees that you're not intimidated by them, and it shows your bosses that you can hold your own in an alien situation. This will also give you an idea of the hierarchy amongst the meetees.

3. Flow with it: During any meeting, digressing from the topic is as common as the common cold. It is bound to happen. When it does, do not try to bring the discussion back to the original topic. Let it sway as far off course as possible. Take a few swings yourself if you're comfortable with the pseudo-topic. Try and bring up one if you're not. If you can't do anything, pretend to agree with the dominant party.

Why this works: After the meeting, no one can complain that you didn't speak much. This gives you a chance to show that you're well versed in topics other than work and also hides the fact that you didn't know much about the original topic.

4. Silence is golden: Body language plays an important part in all meetings. While we've already discussed the significance of a confident entry at the onset, the following table gives you a guide on how best to use non-verbal communication.

If	You
Your boss cracks a joke	Laugh heartily
The meetee cracks a joke	Copy your boss' reaction
Your boss is answering a question	Stare blankly into space and occassionally scribble something (this will make it seem like you're thinking)
You have to answer a question	Tell them whatever you know (Do not fudge. If you don't know anything, say so)
The meetees are being criticized	Pretend to agree with your boss
Your boss is being criticized	Let him have it, lest the critique starts flowing your way
You're being criticized	Accept it. Take copious notes and if at all you have something to say, wait for the daggers to stop flying

5.Improvise: Despite all the worldly wisdom the author has gained over the course of several meetings, it is possible that the situation you find yourself in is not covered in the above treatise. In such cases, the only thing that works is improvisation. Just remember two things:
A. Do not make the people who're paying you look bad.
B. Do not use more than half of your lying prowess. There is a high chance that these lies will come back and bite you in the posterior, so smaller the better.

So that's it! Five simple points (and a few sub-points) to make the first steps in your professional life a little bit easier. I'm sure you realize that compiling this guide has been a pain staking process, and it needs to be updated constantly. So, send only your positive feedback to me as I love hearing good things from you :)

Disclaimer: Use at your own risk. The author shall not be held responsible for any embarrassments that might arise due to the use of this guide.

Open Letter to Linkin Park

Dear Linkin Park,

I can't believe I haven't done this before. After being a fan of your work for years, this is the first time that I am writing to you. Honestly though, I probably wouldn't be writing to you today either, had it not been for your latest exploit, your fourth studio album.

I must have been in school, when I first heard In the end...that iconoclast of a song which completely blew me away. Never could I have imagined that the cocktail of rap and rock would be so potent as to give me a high lasting many many years. The music and the style was fresh, no doubt and the presentation too was way ahead of its time. Nu metal was what they called it. I was hooked. But if I had to choose one thing that really bound me to you, I'd have to pick the lyrics.

You seemed to capture my emotions better than me. Growing up is never an easy time. In fact, it's overwhelming. Your songs gave words to feelings I knew had, but could never express. My boyhood angst, my teenage frustrations, my tribulations as a young adult...all seemed to find company in your songs. Not one or two, but each and every song of your first two albums. Numb, Breaking the habit, By myself...the list just goes on.

With your third album, you chose to highlight the folly of our ways and remind us of the impending doom they are almost certain to produce. Honestly, it had none of the elements which attracted me to your music in the first place. You were talking about issues that were affecting people all over the world, while your earlier songs focused more on the individual. A daring change, yes, but I was afraid I was losing my connection with you. It was as if in the three years you took to come up with this album, you had grown up and matured, while I was still stuck in that turbulent phase from where we had started together. However, nothing could have prepared me for what was to come next.

A thousand suns takes the doomsday theme a step, no, make that a thousand steps further. If Minutes to Midnight took off on a tangent from your earlier works, this one reaches a different plane altogether. The overall feel of this album is dark and profound...even scary at some places. Few others would have attempted to capture the ethos of a post apocalyptic earth, let alone do it beautifully. And when you end the album with words like "Love, keeps us kind", it puts in perspective the message one needs to take away from the album. Brilliant.

You do know that after Meteora, you could have continued making nu metal albums. The fans and the critics wouldn't have minded. You could have made a ton of money and sailed into the sunset a few years later. But you chose to keep evolving your music and the messages it conveys. You dared, and thus, are winners. So here's to change then, may you continue blurring genres and may your work always give me enough food for thought. Cheers!

Anirudh.

Robot - Learnings from the movie

How does one build an andro-humanoid robot (AHR)? This question had been bothering me for quite some time now. So, to get in-depth knowledge of this tedious process, I decided to watch a documentary on the same subject, very aptly titled "Robot". I was told that the robot in this documentary was modelled on Superstar Rajnikanth which added to my eagerness to watch it. As expected, the experience was vastly rewarding and I am compelled, nay, honoured to share my learnings with you.

1. When working on the building of an AHR, do not shave. You will save a lot of time and by the end, you will look like a tapasvi from the good old days. Thus establishing the connection between modern day research and centuries old tapasya in one fell swoop.

2. Order the water/fire/insect resistant parts for your robot from your local hardware store only. Not only do you get to reduce the carbon footprint of the project, but unboxing the stuff will actually give your assistants some real work to do.

3. When using your AHR to drive your car, always ask it to follow your instructions. It doesn't matter whether you've programmed a 'driving module' into its memory or not.

4. At any demonstration, people will ask your robot random-ass questions like Fibonacci numbers, prime numbers, existence of God etc. It is best if you can prepare it for them.

5. Most importantly, remember you are the BOSS (pun intended) so whenever the workload gets too hectic, take a break and sing a song with your ladylove. It is essential that this activity be carried out in an exotic foreign location.

6. These robots are great for cheating at exams, and so can be used to further the cause of education in the country.

7. Street gangs in Chennai do have foreign recruits these days. Prepare your AHR accordingly in case he has to face them in a hand to hand combat situation. It is also important to install heavy duty castors in its feet for any emergency train chases.

8. It's probably best if you don't get influenced by the criticism from your old thesis advisor. It's likely that he's pissed at you for not wishing him on teachers day.

9. Even if you do listen to him, please do not program emotions or 'reverse map' hormones into your AHR. This is for your own safety. More so, if you happen to have a super hot girlfriend.

10. Do not skimp on a good 'mosquito mode' for your AHR. This will allow it to communicate with those miniature vampires when the need arises.

11. When using your AHR for destructive purposes like suicide bombings etc., it is best to dress it up in loud clothes and garish hairstyles. Subtlety only applies to human terrorists.

12. Sing another song. You might want to use a lot of CGI this time.

13. If, for some reason, you have to destroy your AHR, chop it up into little pieces and dispose the pieces in your regular trashcan. You might also realize the importance of point # 2 at this juncture.

13. In case of a malfunctioning AHR, check its batteries. In case your AHR starts behaving like a dark overlord hell bent on destroying everything, he may have been hacked. You might want to search him for malicious, red coloured chips.

14. Before we forget, sing another song. Probably in Machu-Pichu.

15. In the end, you're going to realize that the AHR you created is too smart for the world's good, and you are going to want to dismantle it for good. At this point, you should probably ask yourself why you created it in the first place, and whether or not formatting its hard drive would have been a better option.

16. When you do get the answer, please let me know.

On a more serious note, the movie Robot does touch upon some very pertinent issues related to human-machine relationships of the future, especially in the first half. Absolutely comparable in its execution to any damn Hollywood movie of a similar nature. Where it chooses to display its Kollywood legacy, is in the second half ,thereby making it a tad too long and melodramatic for my liking. Nonetheless, it redeems some of its lost ground with a fantastic climax. It'd also have been great had the makers set the movie in a more futuristic Chennai city instead of the present  day, you know, just to add that extra bit of fiction to all the science.

Oh and if you do watch this movie after reading till this point, pliss to tell me whether or not they misspelled 'neural' in one of the opening scenes where Rajnikanth is shown programming his robot...

Open Letter to Bollywood

Dear Bollywood,

This is to inform you, that starting today, I am no longer a fan of yours. You suck. Period. I was going to add 'balls to you' but you've already taken away too much of my precious time and money for me to even think of parting with anything else now.

It wasn't always like this you know. When I was a kid, I really did look up to you. You had me believe that the world was a just place where violence was the solution to all of life's problems. A world where I could kick five bad guys' butts without breaking a fart. A world that wonderful. So, can you imagine the pain I felt when that notion was shattered? To give you some idea, it resembled a hard kick in the gonads delivered by an elder brother who obviously learned better fake karate from you than I did.

The biggest disappointment to have ever come my way because of you was my college life, rather, the lack of it. Taking a cue from you, I wore tight, blue jeans, topped them up with leather jackets (all this in the huge steam bath that is Mumbai) and put on big white sneakers, all in a bid to look 'cool'. I even befriended the customary nerd, the class repeater and the fat guy. My attendance in the canteen far exceeded that in class because those were the rules. I mean, if all your young, 40 year old boys could do it with one hand tied behind their backs, how difficult could it be? I'll tell you how difficult. It's like trying to pass a physics exam one day after you come to know that it's one of the subjects you've signed up for.

But now I have grown up. I have learned from the many disappointments you have thrown my way, like the two mentioned above. I have not sworn vendetta against anybody. There are no bad guys trying to mess with me, there are no girls I need to sing songs to. I'm just a regular guy who works 5 days a week and sleeps off the remaining 2. But there is a difference. I think. A lot. You should try it too. It's good fun.

Anyways, this new found sedentary lifestyle of mine has left me with a lot of time on my hands. So let me tell you exactly where you're stepping in the dung.

1. Leave your brains at home: The brain is an inseparable body organ. You cannot 'leave' it anywhere. So I'll personally slap the next person who tells me to 'leave my brain at home' and enjoy an xyz movie.

2. I give you, 10e6 out of 5 stars: Please stop paying critics to write rave reviews about shite movies. Not all people are not stupid.

3. The next big blockbuster: A battery of big stars, exotic locales and semi-nude babes do not make for a watchable movie. For that you need to have two things which you almost, always forget. (Hint: Both start with an 's'. One ends in a 'y' and the other in a 't').

4. I can hasz email: Stop using email forwards to force us to laugh. They were only funny the first time we read them...ten years ago. The next time you try that, I'll come and tickle you in the gut with my Wolverine claws. We'll see who laughs then.

5. Copying music/plots/scenes:  Dude, you just don't understand the power of Youtube, do you? 

6. Baah-mulaiza, aahhoon-aahhoon et al.: For god's sake, please make songs with actual lyrics in them. I'm tired of listening to 'songs' with just one word being repeated for their entire duration, and lyrics so pedestrian, a primary school kid could write better.

7. Celebrities pitching movies on music reality shows: Please! As if all these damn music reality shows on every damn channel weren't irritating enough, we now have to endure celebs coming in and selling their movie as if it were the shiniest piece of creative brilliance mankind has ever come up with. We know it's gonna suck anyways. You know what really breaks my heart? The participants singing songs starring/composed by/sung by the celeb which sound like those mentioned in (6) above.

Now I do realize that there is a section of the movie going audience who gives a rat's ass to all of the above. They are your bread and butter, and you do need to please them. But please, can the thinking man have something for keeps too? Can't you make at least one movie in a year that I can take home with me? Something that keeps playing in my head long after I've left the cinema and make me go 'aha' when I figure out some clever plot intricacy? I know it's difficult for you, but can you at least try? If that's not possible, can you at least support the few people who do make an effort to be different. Not just hat ke, but really, genuinely, different. 

But since you won't be able to do that, Im'ma switch my allegiances to American TV shows. They have enough variety and brains to keep me engaged for a  long long time. I'm not leaving you completely though...I'll watch pirated copies of your stuff too (serves you right for the overcharged tickets at cinemas). The Pakistani economy isn't going to support itself you see.

Yours disgruntedly,

Anirudh.

Bad day

Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up, and just know that it is going to be your day? You have, right? It is a useless notion. Throw it out of the window.

I was slowly realizing that marital bliss is way overrated just 6 months into my marriage. Not that anything was wrong, just that her constant talking and the need to know everything about everything was beginning to get just a tad annoying. But I had woken up that day feeling like a million dollars, so I chose not to let it bother me and indulged her. I had a hearty breakfast and was ready on time. Now that was something that hadn't happened in a long time. I gathered my wallet and handkerchief. I checked my mobile for messages or missed calls. There were none. The battery meter was showing around 66% power. But I thought I'd squeeze through the day on the remaining charge. Since I had loads of time to reach office, I decided to take the bus instead of my car. Also, I had a meeting in the afternoon, driving back home from which, would have been a nightmare.

We were the middle of July but it hadn't really rained much that year. The meteorological department had put the lack of rains down to a western disturbance or some such, and I for one was tired of lugging a redundant umbrella around all the time. I decided to let it remain at home. Now, on days when I do take the bus to work, the conductor is like my personal coin vending machine. I am not averse to flashing a Rs. 100 note for a five rupee ticket. But that day, I paid him the exact change even if it meant rummaging through my pockets for a good minute or so. He seemed pleasantly surprised.

Work that day was amazing. There was not a single dull moment all morning. Meanwhile, the wife called twice to see what I was up to. I told her about the good day I had been having, and I didn't even have to make anything up! The first half of the day passed by in a jiffy and pretty soon it was time for lunch. I left soon after for my meeting.

The client's office was a long way off, but I loved going there. It was in a part of town which still retained much of its old world charm. Besides, it was located in a Victorian era building bang in front of the famous Sivashambu temple. Another place which I loved for its historical value if not religious significance. It could not have been more than 2'o clock in the afternoon, but it was already dark. However, true to the weatherman's word, the rain stayed away. After an hour and a half's journey, I reached the client's office, only to be told that he himself was out and was expected back in another 15 minutes.

All of a sudden, there was a lot of commotion in the office. Almost all the employees were gathered in front of the TV in the reception and were watching the news. Rains had hit the city. Hard. In a matter of minutes, news crews were relaying visuals from different parts of the city under varying levels of submergence. I still had the gumption to wait for my client even as his employees started vacating the office. I waited till the last of them were ready to leave. It had become clear a long time ago that the client wasn't going to show up. But I stayed put hoping for a break in the showers. Of course it never came.

When I reached the main street it was virtually empty. Two things immediately became very clear. First, I had no reprieve from the rain courtesy of having left my umbrella at home, and second, the fear of heavy rains had driven all forms of transport away from the roads. I crossed the street and stood at the base of the steps ascending to the Sivashambu temple. I decided to call up the wife and inform her of my whereabouts. But no sooner had the call connected than she started chastising me for not taking my umbrella. The call disconnected mid way through her sermon. That's right, the battery was spent. I realized I had another lecture in the waiting at home for not charging my mobile phone. Meanwhile inside the temple, the evening aarti was going on in full swing. Apparently, the priests could not take a rain check. I decided to look for a PCO and make my SOS call before returning to the shelter of the temple. I secretly hoped it'd not be required.

My day, which had started on such a positive note was slowly disintegrating into one of the worst ones I had ever had. As if the incessant rains weren't a problem, I almost fell into a drain...twice. I was cold and hungry. My socks were wet and walking was a harrowing experience. On top of it all, there did not seem to be any PCO's around. Damn the mobile revolution. Ultimately, when I did manage to find one after walking and stumbling for almost an hour, I couldn't use it. I had given away all my change to the bus conductor that morning. I was frustrated, but there was nothing I could do. I decided to wait in the temple and started retracing my steps. I had barely reached it when I spotted something.

My car, with the wife driving it. How could she have found me? It was impossible. I mean, she hadn't given me a chance to speak during our recent conversation. How could she have known? My mind raced into overdrive trying to find answers, and that's when it hit me. She must have heard the aarti in the background when I called and figured out my location. She saw me and slowed down. I got in the car.

After I was sufficiently dry, I told her of my clever little deduction. She seemed surprised. I was surprised at her being surprised.

"No one can  find anyone based on the ringing bells of a temple in a town that literally has thousands of them."

"But, then how did you...?"

"You were very happy this morning. You were talking more than you usually do and had specifically mentioned this meeting. Don't you remember? I figured you'd be here around the time this heavy downpour started, and could use a ride home..." I could only smile. "...You should have brought your umbrella today. Now you are sure to catch a cold, and then I'll catch it too. I hate it. And what happened to your phone? I've only called you like a million times...Don't tell me its gotten wet. That is why you should listen to me.Why are you smiling? You just remembered a joke, didn't you? Yes, it's a joke and you are not telling me. You never tell me anything...." I realized that marriage has its plus sides after all. 

Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up, and just know that it is going to be your day? Well, I certainly have and that was the story of one such day.